Addicted to Love

between husband and wife. Indeed, scripture uses the metaphor of bride to describe Christ’s relationship to the Church, not because of the specific sexual connection, but because of what it represents: the sacrificial, exclusive intimacy of a spiritual union. Genuine intimacy requires honesty, vulnerability, maturity and commitment. Its foundation is a belief in the worth of oneself and others as chosen children of God. It thrives in an atmosphere of mutual respect and sacrifice.  How little that describes most human experience! Too often, homes and churches are dictated by appearances and driven by shame, places where people become afraid to disclose their imperfections and ask for help. We are out of touch with our feelings, which renders us unable to be vulnerable about our internal experience. We are motivated by selfishness and lack the maturity to resolve conflict and forgive. We live in a disposable society, where it is normal to exchange someone who does not suit us for another who might.

We doubt we are lovable and believe we must prove our worth.  Many sex addicts are also victims of childhood sexual abuse, which further compounds their woundedness. This violation solidifies the confusion between sex and love, which is at the core of sexual addiction. It exacerbates shame. It breeds self-doubt. Predictably, Satan capitalizes on this sad state of affairs. The evil one presents sex as the easiest, most convincing substitute for authentic intimacy. Indeed, sex is a false, but enormously compelling, solution to the heart’s deepest longings for relationship. Propelled by the convincing messages of our culture, many people confuse the behaviors of sex with the sincerity of love. They use sex as a measure of acceptance and believe that sexual touch represents affection. Sometimes, because they do not know any other way, women, like men, may accept the easy affirmation of sexual “love,” even to the point of addiction.

An intimacy disorder. Sexual addiction is best understood as an intimacy disorder. Sex addicts are not addicted to either sex or love. They are addicted to the hope that they are lovable, and they latch onto sexual encounters as proof.  Christian helpers must understand that sexual addiction is a matter of the heart. Unless a woman finds healing at the deepest levels, she will remain forever vulnerable to returning to this false solution.   Special Challenges for Female Sex Addicts  Sexually addicted women face some challenges not shared by their male counterparts. If they get past the obstacles of shame and lack of recognition, other barriers remain. A key difficulty is that most of those in recovery from sexual addiction are men. Most 12-Step groups or faith-based support groups are made up entirely of men, which makes it hard for female sex addicts to find a community of recovering sisters. Despite the challenge, breaking the isolation of sexual addiction is crucial.

I have never seen a woman recover alone, not even with the help of a knowledgeable therapist. Healing from an intimacy disorder requires developing genuine intimacy. There is no substitute. Christian counselors can network with other area caregivers and get the proper releases to connect women who are walking a similar journey.  Hope for healing. The woman caught in adultery (John 8) who was brought before Jesus to be stoned was a sexual sinner. The woman at the well in Samaria (John 4) who had five husbands was probably a sexual addict. Jesus offered grace and hope to both. By God’s grace, it is possible to be transformed from a life of sexual sin into a new walk of purity.Web counselor plays a vital role for the welfare of society.

The addicted woman cannot do it on her own strength, but with help from informed Christian counselors, a female addict can find grace to step out of her dark secret and into the light. _Marnie C. Ferree, M.A., LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Nashville, Tennessee. She directs Bethesda Workshops, which provides faith-based clinical intensive treatment for sexual addiction and coaddiction. Marnie is the author of No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Shame, which addresses sexual addiction in women.

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