Addicted to Love
visually oriented. It is no surprise, then, that females are drawn to pornographic pictures. Poly-addiction is common. Most addicts struggle with more than one kind of addiction, and female sex addicts are no exception. Many men who act out sexually also abuse alcohol or are involved in problematic gambling, which is on the rise. Frequently, male sex addicts are also considered workaholics. By contrast, female sex addicts are more likely to struggle with food issues, especially binge eating. Often a woman vacillates between the core addictions of sex and food, and her weight illustrates the jump. When a woman is out of control in her sexual behavior, for example, she may decide that being overweight is the best protection against her behavior, so she binges consistently. After a time, this woman often feels such shame about her appearance that she begins to diet and act out sexually in an attempt to prove her desirability. Eventually, she feels better about her thinner body image but terrible about her sinful behavior, and the cycle repeats. Definitive research is needed to validate this observation, but clinical and anecdotal evidence supports the theory.
Identifying Sexual Addiction in Women. A key difference between men and women concerns the identification of sexual addiction in each population. Fortunately, there is an increased focus on men who act out sexually, especially regarding Internet pornography. The problem is losing some of its stigma as reports reveal the majority of Christian men at least occasionally indulge. Prominent Christian artists have gone public with their struggle. Ministries and programs are readily available to help the man who wants help. Women, though, are sinking in sexual sin without a ready life raft. Few programs, either faith-based or secular, even address sexual addiction in women, much less offer gender-segregated treatment. Most counselors are no better than the culture in knowing how to help the woman who struggles.
In fact, few counselors are able to identify her problem in the first place. Sexual addiction may never cross a counselor’s radar when the client is female. Because few women openly admit this struggle, recognizing the issue is especially hard. Christian helpers must be sensitive to any red flags of possible addiction, such as a history of childhood sexual abuse, eating disorders, father wounds, promiscuity, multiple abortions, affairs or STD’s. The best thing a counselor can do is simply ask about a woman’s relational and sexual behavior. Do not assume there is not a problem just because she does not mention one. Fill your counseling room with a clear spirit of God’s grace, and gently ask about any sexual secrets. Give permission for her to admit failure in this area. Remember that it may take a long time before a woman feels safe enough to disclose her sexual addiction, and ask again each time you sense an opening.
Consequences for Female Addicts Female sex addicts experience many of the same life consequences from their addiction as men. Emily (not her real name) lost her job as an advertising executive because of her repeated use of online pornography on her work computer. Hannah was asked to leave her championship softball team when her sexual involvement with an assistant coach impacted team morale. Women, though, experience some critical additions to these common consequences. The most obvious one involves unwanted pregnancy. Consistently, at least 25% of the women who attend a Bethesda Healing for Women workshop have had at least one abortion because of an unplanned pregnancy that resulted from their addictive behavior. Women also face added risks from sexually transmitted diseases, because most STD’s are asymptomatic in women.
Genital herpes is a frequent diagnosis, and human papillomavirus is the most common sexually transmitted disease in women. A diagnosis of cervical cancer caused by HPV was the consequence that finally broke through my own denial about my sexual addiction. Looking for Love: the Common Quest “Sexual addiction” is actually a misnomer, though it seems to be the term that will persist. For women and men alike, this problem is about issues much deeper than behavior. One woman, a married preschool teacher and mother who was active in her church, also masturbated compulsively, frequented sexual chat rooms, and had affairs. With tears streaming down her face, she declared, _“Don’t people understand that this has nothing to do with sex? It’s not about sex at all. It’s about that desperate need for love, for acceptance, for affection, and for affirmation_.” Every sex addict I have ever worked with confirms her eloquent declaration.
It certainly was true for me.God intended for sexual activity to be the most fulfilling expression of a covenant relationship