Anatomy of an Addiction: Not for Men Only
their lives; their partners and their mothers by relating sexually to their partners as if they were glorified prostitutes. When such demeaning expectations create frictions they may wind up masturbating to fantasies of glorified prostitutes.
3) Sexual relations may shape fears of castration for men who are belittled by their partners in ways that remind them of the ways they were belittled by their mothers and/or fathers. Such legacies can be the products of many things such as: a) Hostile competitiveness between fathers and sons, b) Mothers’ displaced hostilities from an absent and/or distant father onto a son, or c) A mother’s hostile envy of her son’s male identity rooted in the degradation of her own female gender identity.
These unresolved problems can shape sexual performance issues and may not only leave men insecure about their male identities but, also leave them blaming their partners for their insecurities. In such an environment masturbation may assume several important functions. It may become a means for men to reassure themselves in fantasy of their male potency, and become an act of retaliation for their powerlessness and hunger to be admired by the women in their lives. Perhaps, without even realizing it, these men may wind up rendering their women as powerless to get their sexual and emotional intimacy needs met as they feel powerless to get their needs for respect, admiration and love met by their partners.
4) Stressful environments where the emotional caretakers subject male children to frightening and dangerous scenarios while oblivious to their needs for safety and security may help shape a reliance on masturbation to self soothe and discharge physical stress. This behavior may be outgrown in adulthood in favor of men talking to themselves and connecting with each to soothe their fears and anxieties. However, if these men repeat the frightening transactions they witnessed as children in their adult relationships, they may very well return to masturbation to soothe what feel like overwhelming and unmanageable situations.
If we liken the above trends as many streams emptying into a river known as addiction then, we can begin to appreciate the energies that fuel these behaviors. I hope this article not only defines the power sources that energize addictions but, also what needs to happen to short circuit them.
Mitchell Milch, LCSW is a psychotherapist and author in private practice in Ridgewood, NJ. He can be found at www.healthymindsets.com. Mr. Milch specializes in treating addictive disorders.