Anatomy of an Addiction: Not for Men Only
with addictive patterns make certain that they remain in the grips of unidentified needs that create bodily tensions. When we cannot connect to, think about and satisfy what is wreaking havoc on a physical level, we cannot bring ourselves back into balance. This is both a cause of addictive patterns and a worsening consequence of its continuation. It’s like racing a car engine in park and then, suddenly putting the car in gear. We can lose control of ourselves and engage in impulsive, mindless and reckless acts. We begin to feel and act like children in need of guidance, structure and limit setting who believe that someone other than ourselves should be responsible for controlling our impulses and/or dealing with their consequences. Left to our own devices we make messes of things, and heap shame and guilt on ourselves only to seek temporary refuge in our addictive behaviors to flee our intolerable emotional pain. We will make parents of anyone who will apply for the job; even our own children.
So, how do we apply this definition to men who though, they may have loving and available sexual partners develop unhealthy dependencies on pleasuring themselves? Why do they continue to do so even when doing so late at night leaves them without enough sleep to function adequately the next day? Why do they do so even when these activities leave them feeling ashamed, embarrassed and guilty so as to distance themselves emotionally and physically from their partners? Often matters will go from bad to worse when their partners reproach them for feeling, abandoned, rejected, and perhaps, deceived and betrayed by them. Such are the addictive messes we can make for ourselves and our loved ones.
I will use my understanding of normal and abnormal child development to explain how specific instances of physical and emotional abuse and neglect suffered during our formative years may translate to the abuse of masturbation as a self regulatory activity. This addictive relationship like others expresses a universal and normal resistance to accepting the unfairness and injustice that comes with the territory of growing up. This relationship also expresses a resistance to accepting societal expectations that we will be responsible for the “crosses we must bear.” We may not have caused our problems early in life however; we are the only ones who can take responsibility to overcome them. Pleasuring ourselves when carried to an extreme is like all other addictive relationships. The repetition of the activity will intensify our resistances to mourning our losses, and finding forgiveness in our hearts. We may fight against these realities with a resolve so fierce that one might imagine we are defending our homes, our communities and our homeland from annihilation. Such is the nature of addictive relationships.
Think about whomever you might know who is suffering with this addictive issue and please allow my remarks to be food for your own thought as you build your own logical bridges between the causes and effects of this widespread problem in the era of cyberspace. I look forward to hearing from you in the hopes of sharing insights and stretching our understanding of this hot topic in today’s world. Please imagine how the following formative experiences might or might not shape an addictive relationship to masturbation based on your own experiences and observations in life
1) When emotional needs become sexualized then, we need to discharge these sexual tensions by achieving orgasms with great regularity. There is such a thing as too much external stimulation by a mother or maternal surrogate that can shape too much of a dependence on external stimulation for pleasure and a sense of aliveness. This condition may result in a child not learning to translate physical excitation to feelings they can identify, connect to, think about, verbalize and act on in meaningful ways.
2) Many male adolescents when they need to transfer loving feelings once reserved exclusively for their mothers to their female peers can’t do so. As adults, tender loving feelings and sex mix as well for these men as oil and water. This outcome may be shaped by a possessive mother who at some point in the past or present still competes with her son’s love interests for his primary allegiance. The son grows up and struggles in his mind to separate his partner from his mother. He may feel caught in a tug of war between the two of them. In either case feelings of shame and guilt may erupt. I’ve heard many a male client comment to me: “I don’t know why but, once we got married and it even got worse when our first child was born, something held me back from enjoying sex with my partner. Suddenly, it felt like the wrong thing to do.” These men may try unsuccessfully to separate the two most important women in