What Will It Take to Get a 59-Year-Old Alcoholic (That Denies Being an “alcoholic”) to Feel Shame, as I Would?

Question by Mishy: What will it take to get a 59-year-old alcoholic (that denies being an “alcoholic”) to feel shame, as I would?
I’m professional, very religious, I volunteer and donate blood etc. love to play piano, especially carols at this time of year — I consider myself to be a dynamic, fun, and loving person – oh and I can cook too —

My point is that I expect a lot of myself (and so do my younger sisters) but our dad, despite being a physician etc. is so NOT that way. We also lost our beloved Mother 14 years ago.

I just feel like I want to hear more recognition and credit for this from him and from the rest of my family.

I went to his house (2 hrs from my place) to go help him get ready for the holidays (shopping etc.) – I offered – but he had plans with a bunch of stupid, country club fuckers to basically have an excuse to get wasted. Both Friday and Saturday nights (remember that I came there to hang out with him etc. and he hasn’t seen me for weeks) when he left he was like, “maybe I’ll see you tomorrow….” as in – he was planning to get so fucking wasted that he wouldn’t be able to drive
today I had such a bad Mexican food craving and I had to eat by myself in my hometown because my dad had to leave to go to yet another drinking fest disguised as a get-together… It is so fucking pathetic! I would be completely ashamed of myself if I acted that way! He DID come home Friday and Saturday nights, because I guess he felt bad that I was there alone…. and both times he was so drunk that he even said, “…yeah…. I don’t know how I got home….” — he’s a somewhat prominent member of society in the town we’re from (population about 70-80K) — I think it almost would have been beneficial for him to get in a car accident so he would realize what a goddamned loser he is!
By the way, he always drank – even when Mom was around and despite the fact that she didn’t like it (obviously she didn’t like it because he’s also pretty sick, as in has pretty advanced heart disease) — all this despite the fact that he’s a doctor, who should know better…What a loser.
Thanks Shannon – but seriously I don’t really think he loves us as much as he says he does — or my Mom for that matter… I mean, she hated his drinking yet he kept doing. I just want to him to say, “you know – I’m sorry that I went every night that you were over… and came back to wasted….” — how do I make him apologize…
and by the way, I don’t want to “be caring” to him – he and others have always judged me so harshly – so naturally I achieved a lot, have a great job, and also have a great resume – so I don’t think I should have to “be caring,” to him. HE DESERVES TO BE JUDGED!!!!!
even though it seems positive that everyone judged me so much and put so much pressure on me (the end result being that I am successful etc.) but it came at such a dear price, so many tears, so much beating myself up over this issue and others…. trying to be perfect to “earn” his love and approval. what a bastard!
even though it seems positive that everyone judged me so much and put so much pressure on me (the end result being that I am successful etc.) but it came at such a dear price, so many tears, so much beating myself up over this issue and others…. trying to be perfect to “earn” his love and approval. what a bastard!
It’s my turn to judge! I HAVE DONE WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO IN MY LIFE! HE HASN’T – HE FUCKING DESERVES TO BE JUDGED AT LEAST AS HARSHLY AS HE HAS JUDGED ME!
YOU KNOW – I AM SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE BEING LIKE, “OH YOUR DAD,” WHEN THEY HEAR ABOUT MY MOM DYING! MY DAD, BESIDES BEING A FUCKING ALCOHOLIC AND A BIGOT, IS ALSO A MISOGYNIST! HE MADE OUR LIVES A LIVING HELL! I’M NOT GOING TO FUCKING ‘BE NICE,’ TO HIM AND ‘CATER TO HIM,’ ETC. ANYMORE! DRINKING IN EXCESS AND EMOTIONALLY SCARRING YOUR CHILDREN IS WRONG – PLAIN AND SIMPLE!

Best answer:

Answer by shannon e
That sucks for you. I went through a similar situation in my family. All I can advise you is to keep caring, and try to accept and not judge. He might or might not ever change. It’s up to you to decide how to deal with that reality. But, really, it does not mean he doesn’t love you. Maybe you need to force yourself to pull back a little. For both of you.

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