“The Need to Feel Supported After Abuse”?

Question by 100 names: “The need to feel supported after abuse”?
I have an intense desire to feel supported for something that happened years ago.

I did not call it assault at first. I pretended nothing happened. I pretended to like him, but I didn’t like “it.” i remember he approached me a second time after it happened with his friend and I broke into tears and begged him to leave me alone.

I thought to go to the police and report him. Here is what he did. Maybe I was flirtatious or wrong in the beginning but he came at me when he saw my bra strap broken. I yelled at him, and eventually he let me go. Then he grabbed me again. I tried to push him off me, but I couldn’t make him budge. He kept grabbing my hood on my coat as I tried to walk away from him.

We were at his friend’s house. His friends kept staring at me and I said they were making me uncomfortable. As I walked away (tried to leave) he grabbed me and cornered me. I yelled at him. He pushed me towards the room. I did say no. I am not sure how I said it, but the words were said.

He pushed me down onto the bed, and started kissing me. I have guilt because I went along with him at first. I then pulled away physically but I said nothing. But I sometimes think if you had said about twenty no’s and you were pushed and shoved, then you eventually “gave in” I wonder if that still fits with a definition of coercion.

Sure. People may disagree.

I think this is where people start to debate what qualifies as rape or sexual assault. I think my experience sort of tests people’s boundaries of what qualifies as rape or sexual assault, or whether or not the victim was “to blame.”

He did do stuff that looked like physical sexual assault, especially afterwards. he tried to force me to have oral sex with him. He just grabbed my hair and shoved my face in his lap. I wouldn’t do anything. I just sort of physically froze and wouldn’t respond, so he kicked me. He brought his friends in the room as well. They thought this was funny. My honest feeling was fear and shock.

I know my behavior afterwards indicates maybe this is not rape, that I must have liked it because I admitted to liking him, and tried to crack jokes but I think I was doing nothing other than plain old fashion denial. I also went to school with these people and knew pressing charges could be a very dramatic process.

So i wonder if denial is a normal response to assault. even though I was saying one thing, and maybe some other stupid things another process was going on in my head: if i can go to the police, or not.

That really ate me up and I began self harming.

I was called a whore. My family responded by beating me. I am not sure why exactly. It almost seemed to coincide with my “wrong behavior” to this situation. my mother responded by calling me a whore and getting my brother to beat me.

I find it odd that I am such a “whore’ and yet my treatment has more to do with brutality than sex.

Yet I sometimes can see why people think I am such a screw up, and even why my family hit me out of embarrassment.

Yet I think I have a story to tell. And I should keep telling it, so it doesn’t happen again.

I am not sure I want people to define what happened to me anymore, i think I’ve defined it for myself anyway. but I feel a need to be supported, and one way to seek it is speak out.

I think I should tell people. Get political. Go to rallies against violence.

How do you create an open dialogue about abuse when you feel torn between what your family and community believes happened to you?
I currently see a therapist who helps me with meditation and calming techniques. I do not need a therapist who judges me, and decides what my experiences are for me, with little info, and the automatic of assumption of what happened. I just see a therapist who accepts it was traumatic, and then teaches me how to self soothe.

I said this happened a while ago. My reason for wanting to become more politically involved on issues of violence and rape in our culture is because I had no resources. I tried to report this and was ignored. Teachers seemed to be disbelieving. No intervention was suggested, except group therapy (which is useless if you’re still in the situation). Therapeutic services were offered then my family denied them for me. Therapy never came until years later when I was an adult.

How am I still so screwed again? It happened. I’d like to challenge others now. Any good resources political orgs for that?
also my initial attempts at therapy were profoundly fucked up. I once was locked into a detox centre without being told where I was going and was told all my issues were with drugs and alcohol. I was dead sober when I was admitted and my real issue was depression. When I told them I thought I had been sexually abused, and physically abused they told me to “quit lying” and when I would try to tell them what happened I’d get shut down in seconds, and just told, “you were only taken advantage” or that I “must’ve been blacked out.” My history was not explored at all. So my second reason for wanting to get involved in political activism against abuse is because our whole “counseling (legal and therapeutic) structure is fucked.

Best answer:

Answer by B.
You need to go to counseling. With help you can get past this and also learn how to help others at the same time. You can’t help others while you are still so screwed up.

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