My Father Hates Me… I Feel Lost in Life. How Can I Pull Myself Out of This Hole?

Published May 25, 2010

My father is a high-powered attorney here in San Francisco, and lately, we’ve been having big problems. I’m a fashion model who attends a lot of events – I’m constantly at galas, openings, friends’ birthday parties, etc. Because of his connections, I used to party in LA every weekend and was both a cocaine and oxycontin addict, but I’ve since been to rehabilitation and kicked those habits. Despite the fact that I have a successful modeling career, I’ve been feeling extremely empty – I’m not happy with my life. I’m 17 and was doing online schooling, however, I found it so, incredibly boring that I stopped doing it all-together and decided that it was my dream to take the California High School Proficiency Examination, get my diploma, and attend fashion design school at the Academy of Art college next semester.

My father was extremely unhappy with this decision and my refusal to cooperate with his ideas of what’s best for me. My whole life he’s treated me terribly – when I was five years old, he threw a phone at my face and I had to get 18 stitches. Lately, because I’ve been feeling like there’s a hole inside of me, I’ve been shopping a lot, which makes me feel good in the moment. My father got so fed up with this a few weeks ago that he came into my house (my parents are divorced; I live with my mother) and beat me up. He threw me against a wall, held me down to the bed, and tried to strangle me. Thankfully, I managed to kick him in the jaw and get away. I ran outside screaming for help, and my aunt came out of her house, horrified at what she found.

Since then we’ve been to therapy and were doing a bit better, until last night. He found out that I’ve charged $5,000 to my credit card within the last week (I know, it’s a lot, but it’s MY money), and told me that he realized he never wanted a child, he doesn’t want to be in my life anymore, he’s going to stop paying for my education and my publicist/career, he wouldn’t care if I killed myself, and that I’m a psychopath who deserves to be locked up. I was so depressed I couldn’t make a sound, I was numb inside. When he hung up I simply dropped the phone and fell to the ground. He’s my father and he’s been here for me my entire life, through thick and thin. I’ve always felt that despite our fights, he loves me more than anything. Now I’m questioning that.

This morning I woke up feeling physically ill from the emotional pain. My mother is unsympathetic and has been spending the day dumping on me, interrogating me about my credit card bills and telling me she’s been a huge failure as a parent. Everything feels horrible and I want to run away from this place, far, far away. The psychiatrist isn’t helping us at all. I’m sorry this was so long, but I feel so stuck. I really want to die and I don’t feel like there’s anything to live for. My parents hate me, my career is a bunch of fake bullshit that probably won’t last, and apparently, I’m worthless.

If anyone has any advice, I’d really like to hear it. Thanks, and once again, sorry for making you read all of this.

My Father Hates Me… I Feel Lost in Life. How Can I Pull Myself Out of This Hole?

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