Hows My Intro Paragraph?

Question by α∂∂ﻻ: Hows my intro paragraph?
This for eighth grade history honors, it is a research paper on the benefits of drug testing.

When the mother found the dead, rigid body of her teenage son lying near a rusted syringe, a wave of grief and regret passed over her. At his funeral, she thought about how drug testing could have avoided his fatal heroin overdose. In today’s society, drug abuse, both OTC and illegal, is affecting the way children and adolescents are growing and developing. Drug prevention education has been evident since primary school in most districts, however, there is still a prevalent use of drugs in teenagers. Because of this, schools have deemed it necessary to test their students for drugs to maintain a healthy learning environment. Not only does obligatory drug testing detect drug use in students, it prevents the morose effects drugs can bring in the future. Furthermore, school officials should be allowed to conduct mandatory drug testing students and athletes

Best answer:

Answer by Geddes
For eighth grade that’s a very competent and well written paragraph.

Just a few things:

“…school in most districts, however, there is still a prevalent use of drugs…”

You could use a semi-colon after districts, instead of a comma.

“Furthermore, school officials should be allowed to conduct mandatory drug testing students and athletes”

Re-read the end of the sentence, you’re missing a word or two.

The only other thing I will suggest is that a mother at a funeral may not necessarily be thinking about drug-testing. If you introduced the idea as a statistic or some other way, it may lend further credence to your argument.

By the way, drugs aren’t all that bad 😉

Best of luck

Add your own answer in the comments!