How Do I Stop Feeling Like Such a Failure?
Question by Rob C: how do i stop feeling like such a failure?
I get good grades in college, im a pretty nice guy overall, but i made a legal mistake over the summer and i have felt like such a failure since that event. i cant escape this feeling. there is a fair chance of my record being clean, yet i cant help but feel that even though i am a hard worker i am just failing at life. I feel bad for the grief i caused my parents from the legal mistake as well. what should i do to lose these insecurities and regain some ego.
Best answer:
Answer by Aunty Enigma
This question is very misleading. On the surface, it seems like you think you’re a failure because that “legal mistake” stands out as a stark contrast to past ‘good’ behaviors. So you struggle to find an explanation. I know that you didn’t intentionally mislead. You’ve been in denial for such a while now that it caused you to unintentionally mislead people: only you know that there has been many other ‘little’ mistakes, building up, that led to that legal incident. But you are in denial of those other bad things you did. Your denial plus my knowledge of your other questions show that you are a drug abuser. Because of both it would be unethical to help you in your unhealthy request to forget your feelings of failure. It would only be a band-aid in your case. Instead, you need to take the longer healing process because there is more to what you say than on the surface.
Few will bother to answer your question here because it is a vague question and because they aren’t qualified. What I’ve just said has nothing to do with your not mentioning the details of the “legal problem.” But know this: without giving any context about the events that led to that incident, you make yourself, unintentionally, seem like a perfect person who just got an unlucky break with police; a person who just wants sympathy. You’ve been living a perfect life up until college but you are not a perfect person. You’ve been living a lie. (I suspect that you were charged with a ‘misdemeanour’, something like getting into a physical fight or a speeding ticket offence while under the influence of drugs or alcohol). But you are still ruminating (brooding) over the guilt you feel every time you recall that incident which extremely shocked your parents. You have previously mentioned that you were on Zoloft. If you got that legally, it means your doctor agrees that you are either dysthemic or midly depressed.
I think your parents have calmed down already. They do love you but they don’t know how to love you unconditionally. Nearly all parents don’t know how. I think your strict parents have raised you to be a perfectionist, which may have contributed to your dysthemia. But clearly, you respect them and that is good. They do love you. Now, those are good resources to remember or use if you want to get better.
Understand that they reacted with strong disappointment and criticism because they have never personally known anyone to get into legal problems before. Besides, it turned out to be you, their ‘good son’ who did this ‘terrible thing’ that contrasts greatly with your past good behaviours. It was both an emotional and mental shock to them: as if they didn’t know you. Suddenly they get a call to find a lawyer and to pay for the expense they didn’t incur. They didn’t over-react though because they have been under the impression that you’ve been playing the ‘good son’ role that you’ve always played until that trouble. You need to take responsibility for the false image you’ve created just to please them. They thought they could trust you while you are away from home studying. But while in college you’ve broken free and rebelled against who you think you’ve been. You’ve already had some good answers to your “Why am I so evil in college” question in Religion and Spirituality. You have to “reel yourself in or take the path to ruin” as the best replier, chosen by you, already warned a year ago. You have also neglected to phone your parents on a regular basis. They do love you but the lack of regular communication from you has caused them to worry even more, especially after that incident. If you start phoning them weekly, that will be an action that will help you to regain their trust. They will understand that people make mistakes but you need to stop pretending things to them.
You’ve also been in the habit of suppressing strong emotions. You’ve asked questions on how to suppress your nostalgia for innocent days in the past, the pain of disappointing your parents, and now feeling like a failure. You’ve even asked how to suppress your confused affection for your female best friend. (If you had a one time gay encounter, while drunk and stoned with weed, you may have ambivalent issues there if you’ve been questioning whether you are bisexual or not. This could be another reason you need counselling.) Suppressing feelings will block healing. You’ve falsely obtained & abused prescription drugs to self-medicate and suppress. That is the main reason you need counselling. You’re not an addict yet. But you either abused drugs because of depression, or became depressed from the withdrawals to occasional abuse. While getting counselling, focus on your studies so your mind doesn’t wander. “Hard working” students don’t need drugs to keep them awake because they don’t leave studies until the day before an exam or due date. You should also talk about the fact that you have no clear steps about your career because you have no clear goal or vision. The psychologist won’t tell your parents anything even when they are happy to pay out of insurance. Phone them weekly and be honest as your first step along the process of feeling less like a failure.
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