Evaluating a Student’s Written IELTS Essay (Part 3 of 8)

Here is the IELTS essay question that I submitted to the student: In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on society? And here is the student’s entire essay from start to finish (uncorrected): Today, older people make up an increasing proportion of our population. This is very clear in the government statistics, that, the inhabitants aged 50 and over has grown in the last 3 decades. It is believed that aged people has a negative effects on society. This will be proven by analyzing one of the way that retired people spend their money as they are more likely to be providing unpaid care. On these days, we can see that there are a lots gambling shops that are usually busy of aged people. As older people are retired, the pension money that they normally get are spent in betting shops. This example makes clear where retired people are more interested. Thus, there is an obvious link between aged people and a unhappy society. As funded home care services has fallen, the over 50s/60s probably will not get paid care in the next few years. This is very apparent that the government will not have the money to pay for the health care services. It is obvious that the society will be affected. After analyzing the areas of older people hobbies and the lack of the government funding to pay aged people care, it is clear that the only factor that will be affected and will have negative effects is the …
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