Do I Love an Addict (Part 1)
Inevitably I always gave up the fight and just put a blanket over him on the couch. It was not until 10 years later, when I got to know him for a brief year or two sober, that I realized he was not sleeping… He was actually passed out. No wonder I couldn’t wake him up!
So another sign, if someone falls asleep at irregular times on a regular basis, they may not be sleeping, they may be passed out from drugs or alcohol.
So again I can say that with Dave, there was no real way for the layman to perceive in the early years that he had a problem and was heading for a huge fall. Had I been knowledgeable or a professional, however, there would have been one big sign. He drank a heck of a lot. On weeknights without fail he would consume anywhere from 6-8 beers. Beer was his ‘drug of choice’-although this must be taken with a grain of salt because 15 years later when he could no longer hide his addiction, he quickly switched to vodka, which is less obtrusive. This is one major attribute of an addict. If he can’t get one substance, he will make do with another. Addicts are not real picky and even an alcohol based mouthwash or rubbing alcohol will do to feed a desperate, 10-trillion-celled addiction.
So at any rate, Dave would drink 6-8 beers each and every night, and a couple more on the weekends, before his body took over and he passed out. And I never could figure out why, as the years dwindled down, we could never do anything much on a weekend night except stay home. But the major point to make here is… if someone drinks a lot, you can pretty much just assume they have a problem. Now I’ve known some weekend alcoholics who binge and lose control. I’ve known sporadic alcoholics who every now and then lose control, or entire days and weekends of their lives. So addiction can show up in all of these ways. But if someone drinks every day, that’s a sure sign. Now I have to say here that it doesn’t matter if it’s alcohol, or marijuana, or cocaine, or sleeping pills… if they do it every day, that’s a problem.
Now I think as young adult I had heard that thing about daily drinking somewhere, but Dave didn’t really look alcoholic, and since I didn’t at all trust the older generation and their assessments about drugs and alcohol, it never really clicked. And I could do a whole entry on why the older generation’s arguments have no validity with the younger generation. Suffice it to say that we talk a big game to our youth, but the question remains- “If my parents can do it, why can’t we?” But that’s a topic I will save for another day.
So back to the signs of addiction. Another one is that addicted people hide their stash. It could be booze, pills, pot, or whatever. If you’re onto someone’s addiction, he or she will go into hiding. And they will lie. Every addict will lie in order to continue to drink or drug and there is a saying in the rooms of AA “How do you know an alcoholic (addict) is lying?… His lips are moving.”
Now in the beginning, Dave never lied to me or hid his booze. Why not? Because I was absolutely no threat to him. He could drink right in front of me and I wouldn’t say a word or raise an eyebrow. But ten years later, when he was on the start-again, stop-again roller coaster and I was beginning to see his game- he lied plenty. And my only advice to you, if someone you love has this problem, is; “If you think he’s lying, he is.” I say he, but of course it may just as well be a she, as there is no sex discrimination when it comes to addiction. So I will try to alternate between the two sexes when I write.
Now the other reason the addict will lie is a bit profound. You see the addict wants her drug, but she also wants you. She doesn’t want to lose you- and rather than lose you, she will lie. Now many people say the addict does not want to lose you because you are the enabler. You are the strong one. You are the bread and butter. This is true. But I am a true-blue sentimentalist, and I say the addict also loves you. He or she loves you, and needs the drug. Both are powerful motivators, so of course the addict lies. So if you are ever wondering if you are loved and wanted, just look at how much your addict lies to keep you around. If you do that, you will have to concede, he or she does not want to lose you, and will do anything in the world to keep you. Except to stop drinking and drugging.
There is a lot more to say about signs of addiction and how Dave’s addiction showed up in my life. But it is late and this is long, so I will save it for part two tomorrow.
But I will leave you with this. The task in loving an addict is to see it quicker, and change it sooner. And I don’t mean to change him, but rather to change how you are about his sickness- to know you need help and to get it. And be assured, even knowing you need help is a huge step.
I also look down