You’re Oppinion on a Letter to J’s Mommy -?

Question by Mom to Foster Children: You’re oppinion on a letter to J’s mommy -?
J’s mommy found our myspace page and contacted us wanting to see him. It’s been a little more than 1 year and J was adopted out of foster care (at almost 6 years old) where his mom and dad had 5 years to “get it together”. They finally relinquished on the last day of the TPR – where the judge suggested a closed relationship until they can get clean. This is a response to her initial “letter” asking about him and wanting to see him. I really want her to be a part of his life – I believe that it would help with his anger (maybe I am wishing for too much, maybe not). Please give me your comments on the response we sent back.

Dear (her name),

I have been thinking about this for a long time and I believe this is the best way to communicate – email. I am not comfortable at this time to meet face to face and it’s is in J’s best interest for you two not to reunite at this time as it’s been only a little over a year. His therapist believes (as so do we) that if I allow the reunion at this early of a stage in his life that it would open up old wounds that are yet to be healed / mended. J has never really had much consistency in his life and this is a hard thing for him to learn. To disrupt the consistency he does have now with a out of the blue visit would undo what he
has worked so hard to get in the past 1 ½ years seeing (his therapist name). He is trying to understand all the “whys” to the questions that he has that we can’t answer, to the best of his ability. J has come a long way in therapy – but still has a long way to go. He has behavior issues that we are trying to work through as well along with his constant need to “have fun”. While J does extremely well in
school (one of the best students and has made the principles list every quarter since he has started school) he can also shred a pair of jeans with his bare hands if his way isn’t met. J is quite tall for his age and is ecstatic about being taller than all of us one day – we even joke that it won’t be long he will be taller than both of us as you and I are not exactly “tall”.

We are glad that you are doing well – but I guess I am going to be blunt and just go right out and ask – are you back in some type of therapy to get clean off of the Meth? This will be crucial to J when he gets older. I had heard that you were working at (place) and doing ok –

As far as you “helping out in anyway you can” – I guess I don’t understand what you mean by this and it almost upsets me. As you should have done anything and everything you could have a long time ago. I don’t want to be mean or hurtful in anyway (her name) – but you need to come to grips with what you and (J’s dad’s name) did
to this wonderful little boy who used to think that all this crap was his fault.

I would love to keep in touch and send updates and pictures (at least to start and hopefully progress to further involvment) – but you are going to have to meet us (more than ½ way there). Give me an address and I will mail you stuff from K and 1st grade along with a picture or two that we have. This is all we are willing to do for now – no visits / gifts…etc – just updates and such.

Much Love from us as well

(all of our names)

P.S. don’t forget to send me an address I have saved most of his K year! If there is anything we can do to help you – just ask.
Honest – point taken – thanks

Philippa – thanks from a different side

Flying Monkey – very true

Independant – she is a harm to him – both physical and psycological but good point – thank you for your input.
Edit – Your not You’re!

Best answer:

Answer by honest answers
I would leave out the paragraph

“As far as you “helping out in anyway you can” – I guess I don’t understand what you mean by this and it almost upsets me. As you should have done anything and everything you could have a long time ago. I don’t want to be mean or hurtful in anyway (her name) – but you need to come to grips with what you and (J’s dad’s name) did
to this wonderful little boy who used to think that all this crap was his fault. ”

It sounds like you are angry and if you really want him to have a relationship with them its probably best not make them feel you are hostile to them.

I think its a two-sided message when you say that then sign it “much love”. Something like that would probably could make them less trusting of you.

Its best to take the high road and let them deal with their own guilt of losing the kid without adding to it. If they are truly getting clean they will realize what they did was wrong.

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