Can Two Recovering Addicts Stay Together?

Question by AlienGirl: Can two recovering addicts stay together?
My boyfriend and I used heroin together (snorting it was the only route of administration we used) for a few months. At first, it was only once every other weekend. It did bother me a lot at first, because when it started, I didn’t really like to use it. I talked to a few close friends and asked them what to do. I suggested giving him an ultimatum: “it’s me or the dope”, basically. However, I leared from my friends’ advice and my own insights that he wouldn’t quit just because of an ultimatum. It didn’t really seem to be a problem until we started doing it more. It seemed that some if it seemed to be a coping mechanism for him to deal with the death of a close family member of his. That occurred two months ago. For about a month to six weeks, we used it about every other day. We both tried to quit, but found it difficult because of the painful withdrawal symptoms. I suggested methadone to him, to which he agreed to try. However, it was difficult to get to a clinic because of our obligations to work, school, etc. We decided that as soon as we had time off from school, we would do this together and get sober.
Earlier this past week, he called me to inform me that he admitted what was going on to his mother when she asked him about it. That morning, the three of us went to a substance abuse/mental health center. After talking with the staff, he and his mom decided not to use their facilities for detox due to its high price. So, he and I detoxed ourselves and neither of us has relapsed. It hasn’t been a full week yet, but that is a big step because it happened when we attempted to quit previously.
Now, on the morning of the day we went to the clinic, I decided to “finish” the rest of my dope. I remember saying to them, “I don’t have a problem” at the clinic. However, I later realized that I obviously had a problem if I was using just before going there. Later that day, I went to my boyfriend’s house and he started to tell me that he didn’t want to be with me because he didn’t think that I was serious about getting clean. I understand where he was coming from. He also mentioned moving for a semester to another part of the country. Later that day (or maybe the next day), we reconciled and decided to stay together. I was happy because I figured that one of the good things to come out of our sobriety was the fact that we could actually be a real couple again, without a preoccupation with drugs. I was truly happy about it.
On Friday (today is Sunday), we were talking on the phone, for his parents aren’t allowing anyone to come over or him to go anywhere, at least for a while. (His mom said that after the weekend, things may loosen up a little bit.) Anyway, I became emotionally upset due to the fact that I missed him so much, in combination with my withdrawal symptoms. We started to argue and he told me that it was much harder on him, etc. He said that he didn’t want to be with me again. He said that he felt it was too much about drugs. I feel differently. Yes, they were part of our lives, but I know there ws MUCH more to our relationship than drugs. He also said something about moving again. I didn’t talk to him too much on Friday or Saturday. When I did, I reiterated my feelings.
I personally feel that much of this is due to being overwhelmed. He has said things in the past that he didn’t want to be with me, when he was stressed and over whelmed (after a fight sometimes), only to have us getting back together. Anyway, moving and cutting out the “enablers” seems like the ideal thing to do. But, his problems will still be here when gets back. I can understand taking a vacation, but not just leaving everything behind. Also, he is still remaining friends with other users. I do understand that right now, we both need to get better on work on our own personal recovery, but I don’t think it has to involve end our relationship for good. Just knowing that we were still something gave me so much strength. Perhaps we can spend time apart, but I know that I want to still be with him. I do want to respect his wishes, but it’s hard when you love someone like I love him. I just hope that he will start to realize that we were more than drugs.
How can I help him? Is it possible for us to stay/be together after this? Does it seem like he could be just saying this due to his initial resonse to “cut and run”?
I talked to him and we decided that we both need to work ourselves out first. He said we would still be friends and maybe see each other (he’s “grounded” until idk when). We did talk about starting something in time. However, he said he didn’t want to say one way or the other if we would, for you never know what may happen. We did say that really any and all relationships should be out of the question through this process. I think this is for the best for now. He also told a mutual friend that he still cares about me a lot, but it’s just hard to be in a relationship when you have to worry about yourself. He told me that it wouldn’t be fair to me, and he’s right. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. He also attributed it to bad timing. However, I have a feeling that once he and I recover and stay clean, the rest will follow and things will fall back into place. Do you think they will?

Best answer:

Answer by RU4 real?
Addiction is a very tricky monster(my drug of choice was crack, I used everyday for about two years), The best thing to do attend meetings, Not AA but Narcotics Anonymous. Alcoholics don’t seem to understand how much money can spent on drugs, I used about 00 a day, I stole from everyone I knew and some I didn’t know. If he loves you as much as you love him, it may work out, but times of withdrawal can make you think and say things that aren’t true. The addiction is actually the easier part to win, breaking the habit and relationships that caused the addiction is much more difficult. If when he gets clean, he still feels that the main part of your relationship was dope, it will be over. For my wife and I , the important part was getting off dope, that has to be first. Then try to work out the relationship after that. Good Luck, drugs can be beat but it won’t be easy, find your higher power(whom I choose to God), and learn to rely on it. It won’t make it easier, but it will make it bearable. Email me and I will try to help you anyway I can.

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