My Dad Is the #1 Problem in My Life?
Okay, I have a lot to say. So, please, wait till I finish “adding details”.
My father is… not exactly the most pleasant guy. He tries hard with his work, but he’s constantly struggling and dealing with shady people. His life has always been hard. But, at the same time, he’s angry all the time and scary. Everything he has to say is miserable and infuriated, and he doesn’t appreciate anything my sisters and mother and I do. Our relationship is so downhill that I have trouble even talking to him. All we do is say “hi” in the morning (literally just that word), and anytime else he is just telling me to do something. He’s ALWAYS ridiculously pissed. He flips computers over, breaks chairs, screams, bangs his fists on the table, and in the early early morning, I hear him talking to himself about how miserable the world is and how everyone should just DIE.
I think he is mentally ill, or that the drugs and alcohol he did as a kid has warped his mind. He once claimed to never even remember his childhood because of all the drugs and drinking.
He’s always been an angry guy. He used to be an alcoholic, but now the only difference (he has stopped drinking) is that he’s not intoxicated and doesn’t hit people anymore or insult us as much. But even so, he’s still awful and makes me miserable. I can’t even TALK quietly in my own house without him yelling at me, sometimes, and it’s all because he just loses his patience. He flips out over everything; he looked like he was going to kill me because the crushed ice button was on instead of cubed ice on the refrigerator– and I didn’t even do it.
It’s ridiculous. I can’t suggest him therapy or anger management or pills. He is stubborn, and, quite frankly, I’m afraid to talk to him or anyone about him. Everytime I try telling somebody or venting, I just laugh or stop short because I know I’ll cry.
He is RIDICULOUS. My mom doesn’t even talk to him. Instead, she’s silent and sometimes she gets drunk (and yet he thinks it’s OUR fault she resorts to alcohol). But, without my dad, we can’t survive. My mom can’t get a job to support four kids for the life of her, and I don’t understand what to do anymore. My mom has wanted a divorce, but has been putting it off for years. I just don’t understand, and because I have no neighbors and no one will take me to a friend’s house, I’m virtually trapped in a forest with miserable people in a miserable, rundown house. I don’t know what to do anymore; I’m a highschool freshman and all I can do is dream about perfecting school over the next four years, then moving on to better places. But four years is a long time to wait. I’ve been dealing with this all my life, but it only dawned on me about 3 or 4 years ago (I’m 14) how much my house effects me.
What do I do? What advice can you give me? I don’t want to call cops or anything like that; I just need a perspective or something that will help me enjoy life despite all the problems I have right now.
Because of all the things that happened in the past, I realize now that I have trouble talking about certain subjects, like alcoholism and abuse and whatnot. It’s really to the point where I can’t even utter the words. One time in class, I had to read a paragraph about a girl getting beaten up by her mom, and I literally could not do it. It was awful.
I’m not an oddball in school or anything like that. I have tons of friends. But if I even mention anything, they just sort of laugh and make something funny out of it. And that’s great and all, but that’s how I’ve been dealing with my problems for as long as I can remember. Instead oof crying, I laugh, because I can’t stand it when I cry.
I feel so isolated and bottled up.
Please give me some insight or something. Has anyone else felt like this? I know there’s worse things in this world, but I just would like to at least know that someone understands. At the least.
This is basically the first time I’ve ever talked about any of this.
if you’re wondering what the question is, I’ll retype it:
Any insight/ideas/inspiration/books/ANYTHING that I can read or participate in that will help me survive this?