48e — Its the LAW – Writing to Give Myself Authority to Stop Eating Disorders — June 10, 2010

self-trust and self-honesty and self-forgiveness absolutetly needed! ! ! There is no other way! ! ! bad audio at the begining, i transcribe: doing videos is much harder for me to… “move” anywhere in myself because I do these videos from my wanting to be approved of by other people. -Or to create the illusion that i am ‘immune from that’. (inaudible) So, because I am not able to consider it openly, while i am on camera, (literally WHILE im in front of the camera) because i am projecting my judgments that i have about myself onto other people and then fearing that these will come to pass, its very limiting. So i found it much easier to write. Which is… -that entire dynamic is, obviously, quite a big problem, a limitation… but… as it works now, i have an easier time writing. I should consider it. [the reasons why i am split personality] So this is what i have come to after my writing: as it turns out, my plan… my planS …. (the first one: which was to create a context of “law” for myself — and the second one: which was to do away with everything at once) -both are influenced by my fear of being judged by other people. Under different circumstances, but, what i noticed is that my desire to stop everything (like i predicted and, like, literally described… didn’t listen to myself) was that I judged myself. So thats me trying to ‘control’ my world so that i can hide from the fear of being ashamed. Which doesn’t work. The fear of being judged that i had in the …