A Journey Into the Unknown (Book Excerpt)
population whatsoever, pimpery had destroyed my sensuality. I now only thought of women as sex objects, as most men probably do consciously, but this was unconscious. Like most of my other ventures, it only went on for a while but it became an on and off thing, only on when times where hard, moments in the troughs, other times I would kick the horses to the curb. Filthy sluts!
I always said what a man did for a living wasn’t so important but it would ideally mould one into a form and one could pick up certain characteristic values along the way.
In my case, ‘work’ was my ‘life’, plotting, scheming and executing was the job so even when I was idle, I was hard at work and consequently, my real self only came into consciousness once or twice a month when the loneliness had really kicked in and I had to take that chill pill. Nowadays it’s more frequent; at sun down, that emptiness and self repulse awakens. I feel like I’m depressed or something but deep down I really don’t give a damn.
I had blocked out the highs and lows, so that everything would be more constant, everything would be able to fit on a straight line, be predictable, stable and even up to an extent controllable. In a way, it was similar to the way the masses chose the simple life. I was slowly achieving my goal, though I was still an outlaw, I was becoming like regular people, my dreams and excessive enthusiasm was being dampened. I started losing my excessively high drive, and aspirations. All I wanted was to be alive and free, and to be able to relax but then I realised that that wasn’t the way of life, it was the choice mare sheep would choose, the choice to just wait around and follow the leaders when they move, the choice to never lead, never lead because of the need to think or make important decisions or use ones initiative or take the blame in the case of a wrong doing or never have to face the shame of failing and falling back to being just the regular sheep, indeed the lazy choice. If life was stress free, this would be paradise, heaven, we would be angels, and probably be able to fly as well. We were once spirits with no stress and came to earth to experience life, turmoil, in order to forge important virtues, both the ones lacking and the ones we already possess. Death is in fact a return to the spirit world, so to some wouldn’t be such a bad thing unless they thought or lived as if they were from hell. Of course life was meant to be an experience to write home about so one would ideally, regardless of what present or previous situations were, try to milk it for whatever it has to offer because ideally it would have a whole lot to offer.
I lived as if from hell, as if this was hell in fact, hence I was scared to death of death. Paranoia got the best of me, it got worse as the alcohol and drugs had their way with my brain cells, one after the other. I even got paranoid about being paranoid so sometimes I would hold back that next joint, especially if I had to go into the city during the day or any busy environments that could ‘Blow’ my mind which I wasn’t sure was a good thing anymore. My brain was processing every single bit of information in the picture, everyone that was around me was fully scanned and assessed as well as classified and categorised and all unconsciously, as a result I hadn’t got much energy to focus on what was important, I was now moving into the unconscious realms of operation which in the afterlife would be ideal, but on earth a bit unusual especial for one who had been a control freak all his life. I knew all I had to do was let go and let everything fall into place but I was unaware if it was really the time when everything was supposed to fall into place, whether all the pieces where available and whether they would fall into the right place. It now became apparent that my strong belief had brought my dreams into consciousness and set my unconscious mind into action guiding me in the right direction or in ‘A’ direction which I slowly noticed was uncontrollable on my part no matter how hard I tried. I would set out for something of value and return with something else which was of value too though not the same; the reason for my uncertainty. Every goal I set out to achieve was never achieved but there were always results or consequences of my actions or a discovery leading to another venture. Everything was in fact falling into place on its own. I was in fact getting in the way of my unconscious mind most of the time. It now became a battle of the worlds, me against myself; conscious versus unconscious.
All my time was spent thinking of how I couldn’t be like other people, how I had to go against the grain just to maintain and how I would stand out from the crowd and be spotted a mile away which wasn’t ideal for my occupation even. I now found myself constantly ‘bitching’ about how I didn’t have friends and couldn’t thrive in public