Staying Sober Can Drive You to Drink-Anxiety of Alcoholic Relapse Can Be a Killer

system in any form whatsoever. This unnamed and undetectable gene sends us types dilly and as a result we cannot have a few dops after work or at the weekend just in case we go berserk and drink ourselves into an early grave.

Once I had heard my sentence I now had to work out how to serve it. I’ve read that real prisoners talk about “hard and soft time”. It was at this time that I had an “Oprah” moment. I got it. Regret is too mild a description. I had screwed up big time and now was going to have to pay for it. Big time. Hospitalization had ridden me of my withdrawal symptoms but now I had to deal with the mind games.

The public at large are no doubt familiar with Alcoholics Anonymous and the sterling work that they do to help those unfortunates stricken with this potentially fatal disease. Day by day is their anthem. Most of us initially fight against this prognosis dished up to us and truly believe that we will beat the odds. We start to think that maybe they had got it wrong. Maybe I can have a break and start again. Here came those dam maybes again. So, for many, starts the so-called falling off the wagon and then having to pick yourself up again. But the awful reality is that ” they” were more than likely right and you have to make a plan. Somewhere,sometime I came across a quote from one of those old guys in the good old days. I think it was the American poet Robert Frost. As he sat in the countryside he came up with something that, for me summons up this whole fight with alcoholism –

“Two roads diverged in the woods. I took the one less traveled, and it made all the difference.”

The difference here is to stay sober even if it kills you.

After leaving the hospital my body gradually began to heal. It desperately needed to. For all those out there who want to hear a few good reasons to not reach the chronic stage of alcoholism and what I like to call the ” last legs” phase, here are a few. They are not pretty but they are a reality. They will happen eventually. If you are strong, lucky or just have an angel looking after you you might one day survive to talk about it. If not, have a nice trip.

This phase lasts a few days, weeks or months, depending on your constitution. It is a slide into hell rendering you powerless to prevent an existence on the edge of a gaping black hole. I kid you not. The blood vessels in my eyes started to implode. My legs were uncontrollable and went on a mission of their own. I had no visible veins left. To this day I can only guess what the green gunge spewing out of me was. Medically my liver and kidneys had almost called it a day . There seemed to be no difference between my sleep and my waking hours. I drifted between paranoia, hallucinations and voices in my ear. The phrase “dead man walking” definitely springs to mind.

Within a month or so from leaving the hospital my body started to get it’s act together. Every day I got stronger and began to look human again. I rediscovered the glory of food. During the last 20 days prior to my treatment I had eaten nothing at all. It was impossible to keep anything down. I went back to work and generally lived a normal life. Initially I was pre-occupied with just getting my life back in working order but in time that dreaded word for alcoholics, craving, reared it’s ugly head. They creep into your life at the most innocuous times and can be the ruination of many good intentions. Coupled with this new threat was a new idea slowly forming that basically questioned the fairness of this whole ” new normal” for me. Why me? Was there something wrong with me? Unfortunately these questions have the same meaning as asking how long is a piece of string? Your Anxiety of the future and your Addiction of the Mind and Body can be real threats to your sobriety. The stories of Alcoholic Recovery are statistically possible. Keep a close watch on the cravings and those deadly symptoms of anxiety depression and you can make it.

If you sat down with 10 Doctors and Psychologists you might get 10 different answers to why some of us are alcoholics and others can get vrot drunk from time to time and continue living a normal life. The bad news is that medical science is divided on the answers. There could be a defective gene, it might be hereditary, neurotransmitters in the brain have got their wires crossed or it could be due to an addictive personality. What is a known fact is that there is no simple test to determine your risk of developing full blown alcoholism. The medical guys have a nice expression which basically says that you have crossed the line. You will not even know that you are approaching that line and you cross it oblivious to the fact that you are about to turn your life upside down. Realistically it is a subjective call that finally condemns you to carrying the label, “alcoholic” around with you for the rest of your life. That call is mostly based on your alcohol intake and your

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