Should Homeless Alcoholic Mother See Kids on Mother’s Day?

Published May 25, 2010

For almost two years, I have had custody of my sister’s two children, ages 15 and 11. She and the father have supervised 8-hour visits every other Saturday. The supervisor had planned surgery and could not supervise this past weekend, but my sister and her boyfriend did not let anyone know until the last minute and wanted his aunt to supervise, with me providing half the transportation. I only know the aunt well enough not to trust her, and they refused to provide the last name and date of birth to DYFS for a background check, would not return DYFS’ phone calls or meet with them. This is not a DYFS case, but DYFS monitors the situation for the court, and is involved to try to help the parents get their children back.
On top of all that, they were both staying at a shelter until about a month ago, when the father was kicked out after a drunken fight. I just found out that he was not staying in the shelter anymore, and his son, 15, recently stayed with him on the street one night (possibly all night) when he was supposed to be spending the night at a friend’s house. The son is also starting to experiment with drugs, and witnessed his father dealing pot at their last home. The father has failed to complete any court-ordered alcohol abuse treatment and admitted to the DYFS worker that he still drinks. He also told the DYFS worker my sister was planning to leave the shelter this week to sleep on the streets with him so that she would not have to give $200 a month of her welfare money to the shelter for rent (with no place else to go). He was probably drunk during the conversation. We barely speak, but I begged my sister not to leave the shelter. She did anyway.
My sister has been attending her alcohol treatment and had been passing her drugs tests, until this week, when her results came back as “diluted”. She and her boyfriend are very abusive towards me, and they bad-mouth me and misrepresent the situation to the children. Still, I feel overwhelmed by guilt that she is not seeing her children today. The children are happy with me but still love and want to be with their parents, which I understand. We had a family team meeting in December where the parents set up goals to try to achieve stability, with a June deadline, and they have done nothing. Should I offer to take the kids to meet her at a park or somewhere for an hour or so? I would have to stay at least within sight-distance of them if I do. This could very well backfire on me. I don’t know what to do.
This is a complicated situation and I have tried to be brief, so if you have any questions, please ask. I desperately need advise.
Melissa: TY for your kind words & prayers! Best of luck to u in your situation. I will be praying for u as well & may God bless u & give u strength. The children are too old & have been through too much for me to lie to them.
Miss_cri: I have been the bigger person more than u know, & I understand & do want to honor the kids’ wishes & I have done so in the past. I fear that their parents have become complacent with things as they are (having fun visits while my husband & I shoulder all of the responsibility of raising their children, all the while telling their children its not their fault, while still being able to maintain their lifestyle of drinking/drugging &, from my sis’ mouth, “only working enough to pay for the next six-pack.” Unfortunately, I feel like the only “card” I have left in making the parents straighten up is visitation. Unfortunatley this all falls on Mother’s Day weekend. Sucks for everyone.
Faye: I want to honor the childrens’ wishes & I agree with what you are saying. When kids have been raised amongst chaos & abuse that is “normal” to them. I have spoken to the kids & will speak to them again… at this point I feel there is more to it than that (read my above comments)… but I understand what you are saying & that is my dilema. Bless you for helping others in the same situation. Happy Mother’s Day.
Rita: TY so much for your kind words. I feel that you truly understand where I am coming from & the dilema that I face: honoring what the kids’ want vs. motivating the parents to do the right thing. The bf that I speak of is the father. Thak you for your much-needed prayer and I have now prayed for you as well.

Gracy: Thank you.

Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers & mothers-in-deed-only.

We do have pans with the children’s grandmother (my mom) and my MIL today. Still not sure what I will do…
I welcome additional advise/comments. This will be one of the worst days of my life, I’m sure, although I will try my best to be strong and not to let it show.
I offered to bring the kids to meet her on Mother’s Day afternoon and she said no. This is a very sad situation : (

Should Homeless Alcoholic Mother See Kids on Mother’s Day?

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