Is There Anything Better?

Question by No: Is there anything better?
I have exhausted all my resources in this town and surrounding areas. I have been suffering from severe chronic depression for 17 years now. I am 32 years old. I have been beaten by my husband and gang raped in the snow. From that I miscarried a child on the day I was turned down for a promotion that was given to someone with no experience and friends with the company president. That Christmas Even I discovered my husband was cheating on me. I became addicted to Valium trying to find the ultimate combination of medication and overdosed by accident since I also became an alocholic. Self medicating perhaps. Over a year ago I was diagnosed as bipolar when I had a mental nervous breakdown and suicide attempt (I didn’t know what I was doing at the time). I was hospitalized 3 times and have gone through intensive therapy and AODA treatment for my addiction to Valium. My family is ashamed of me. I am ashamed of myself. I am now going through a wicked divorce where it seems my children will be taken away because I have this disease. I had been stable since my breakdown and accurate diagnosis. But even with all my fighting and hard work everything has gone downhill. I have lost my home, my assets, my friends, my family has alienated me, and I was passed up for a promotion at work because a coworker leaked my private information why I was on medical leave during my recovery. The sigma really follows me around. I am now being sued by the hospital that kept me there involuntarily even though I had no way of paying for my stay. It was humiliating being brought into court in handcuffs and treated like a criminal but speaking about me in third person like I wasn’t even in the room. I’m sick not deaf. I had a county case worker but even she could not find any assistance for me both financially and for mental health. I fell through the cracks in the system. My children are afraid of me despite caring for them and taking them to therapy. I am involved in every aspect of their life. I am not getting child support and even working 2 jobs (one professional) and going to school I still cannot make ends meet to support them alone. So I have to take up becoming an escort. I do not see a future for me at all. I am tired of everyone saying “it will get better”. This has been my life for over half my life and I’m still waiting. I don’t want to call my psychiatrist because I am afraid the courts will find out how desperate and hopeless I am. I am terrified of calling the county crisis line in fear they might trace my phone number and suddenly be hauled away back to the hospital I cannot afford. I am a Taoist so please do not refer me to a christian pastor or minister. I have tried my EAP at work with no success. The few friends i have remaining are tired of my lack of success so I stay silent. They have no answers for me.
Yes, I am on a ton of medication and it has worked for me for over a year now. I have to work as a escort to even afford my medications to be “normal”. I have decided over the last 2 days to give myself 1 year and if it doesn’t get better and/or my kids are no longer in my life then I will commit suicide and they will benefit with my life insurance.
But before I can do that I would like to know if there is anything else out there that I can do? What there anything else that I missed?
PS I am back in school earning another degree. And my life insurance will pay for suicide as the 3 year clause has expired.

Best answer:

Answer by Waiata
I was amazed at your story you have done so much to try to get your life together that was until I read that you worked as an escort, however there are reasons for that which I completely understand. I suggest that you look for alternative methods of work so that you are able to keep taking the medications.

Have you spoken with a counsellor, there must be someone in your country who can help you? Is there some sort of alternative funding for medications? Is there some sort of support that someone in your position can gain from social services?

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