I Feel Bad…and Responsible for My Mother’s Unhappiness?

Question by Anna: I feel bad…and responsible for my mother’s unhappiness?
Wheen my mom was seventeen she was in an abusive relationship and was raped…I was the result. It seems like ever since she’s only looked for abusive men, people that will hurt her, alcohol, prescription drug abuse… She was in therapy for a long time when I was little, but when I was fourteen or so she stopped, she said they’ve done all they can do and no one can help her. When I was really little (6-12) she would say when she was angry or upset that she couldn’t even look at me because I look like my father. I’ve suffered from depression for most of my life, and I blame her for a lot of the problems I had growing up, and I feel bad about it, and I feel bad for her. She got pregnant again when I was three and had my half sister, Holly. She married a wonderful man that I still know as my father today, and she divorced him a year after getting married because he was ‘boring’. He treated her so good, and never raised his voice, hit her, raped her, and he is the most wonderful father anyone could have ever hoped for. Why couldn’t she have stayed with him? What was wrong with this great man that treated her right? When I was six sshe got married to a man named Gary, and for a couple of years tthings were great–we went on family vacations all over the country and I loved his two daughters–they were very close in age to my sister and I. However, he got injured at work and things got bad…really bad. He would scream at my sister and I. At that point I already lived with my grandparents and my sister moved in with us too because he scared her so bad. This man killed our cats and shot our dogs with bb guns. He hit my mom and when she had seizures (she had a car accident during the marriage and sufffered head trauma–this is when she started abusing prescription pain pills) he would just drag her into their bedroom and shut the door. She could have died. For the first few years of her seizures she had grand mals everyday and had to go to the hospital almost everyday. She would quit breathing for minutes at a time. My grandma was finally able to convince her to get out of there and divorce him, and to punish her he killed two of our dogs and the rest of the cats that he hadn’t already killed. When she moved into my grandparents house with us she yelled at me, took half a bottle of pills, and told me I was the reason she wanted to die. About five years ago she started to date Gary again. She blamed me and my grandma for seperating them and said her marriage would have worked if it weren’t for us begging her to leave him. My mom told me Gary never liked me because I took up too much of her ttime and called her crying because I missed her. He left her, of course, and she was so depressed. I feel so responsible for the pain in her life. Now she’s with a man that has beaten her and is an alcoholic. She has started abusing alcohol now. They are both being monitored by the police now because there were so many domestic disturbances. She cut her wrist in front of his disabled daughter (she has a low iq and is deaf) and the little girl ran after her with a towel, trying to stop the bleeding. I feel awful because of the life she’s lead. I feel like if she never had me maybe her life would be different, better… My father beat her mercilessly because she wouldn’t have an abortion and at one point the doctors couldn’t find my heartbeat and were going to induce labor because I was stillborn. She cryed and refused to let them for hours, and right before they did it she made them listen again, and they found my heartbeat, I feel like maybe I should have died then…do you think she would have been better off? Why did she find my sister’s dad, my great dad, boring? He was the only man that ever treated her right.

Best answer:

Answer by Pretty M
as you should…

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